In the mist of early menopause
with the hot flashes and the sweats
the confusion, the fogginess and a mind half dead.
I left the iron on all night and day
and a tap that never stopped running
until he came back and gave out hell.
No, I’m not in love. I wish I were.
I’m actually back to full health.
In spite of the early menopause
I’m somewhat happier in my loneliness,
somewhat settled and more content.
I haven’t felt like this in ages
and no, it hasn’t been like this since my last blog tirade…
This is a new frame of mind and strange state
One that finally acknowledges the enormity of the change
One that is trying to make peace with the world
and above all peace with myself.
It hasn’t been easy…
It has been bloody tough and a road full of sorrow and of pain
I have cried for weeks endlessly every day
I have screwed up at work constantly for being distracted,
in some sort of mourning, and in a mess.
I can’t believe I’m still there and they asked me to stay.
I would have fired myself promptly without fighting or delay.
It is finally sinking what I gave up to find my true self….
my home, my kids, my modern comforts
a man that truly loved and cared.
Threw it all out the window in a mad rush to get out there,
be free and boldly proudly experiment!
But as suspected the only experimenting I’m doing
is helping the kids with their laboratory science tests…
Some days I wonder if I am senile, bored, or simply plain insane
Couldn’t I have got a new convertible for this midlife crisis
instead of changing my whole life in a haste?…
Did I really need to go overboard and leave everything
that took us over a decade to get?…
But then I look at the alternative and know why the changes couldn’t wait.
If I hadn’t left I would still be feeling angry, raving,
unsatisfied and cursing,
eternally blaming others for my mistakes.
Discontent with life and its comforts as I had them,
trapped in a marriage that I no longer could sustain…
So I’m still trying to make sense of everything that happened.
Trying to figure out how it will evolve and end,
this new independent lonely life that has become
a sort of lighthouse and a refuge for me and the family to rest
from the tempests and tsunamis that I once would create.
I don’t claim to have all the answers,
I live on a day by day case.
Some days are easier than others,
but lately I am more in the sun than in the shade…