Broken

by My shades

Broken…
this is how I feel.
Maybe I should feel differently…
Happy, fulfilled, maybe more upbeat.
Instead I feel stupid, defeated and an imbecile.

I can’t explain it, justify it or illustrate it
I’m still unhappy with my life, my achievements
my new apartment, my gym routine…

I have changed so much lately that I no longer feel
I have put on weight, let my hair go gray,
I have stopped feeling worthy, caring,
loving or deserving of praise.
I have stopped meeting people, going places,
socializing, laughing, going for drinks.

Maybe I’m spinning downwards into the abyss
and it no longer scares me,
it oddly feels like the right place to be.

Sometimes I wake up disappointed,
nothing has changed and my kids are still not with me…

I don’t know when or if I will stop feeling like this.
Life as it is has lost its vibrancy
and it just feels lonely and strangely uphill.

This is in spite of knowing how lucky I am to be me…
To get my own place, to earn a good wage,
to have a good boss, healthy kids,
to get on with my ex partner,
to have a lover that still wants me,
unconditionally,
in spite of feeling mentally unfit…

To always end up standing and in a good light,
in spite of all the turns,
the twists, the commotion and the whirlwinds…